One week until BB

One week from right now I will be waking up in Boulder...ready to run my 3rd Bolder Boulder 10K race. This year is so different since I'm training for a half marathon on June 24th. The BB feels like a step along the way, instead of the end goal. I'm kind of wishing it was the end goal...because 13 miles sounds so HARD. 6 miles does not. I'm kind of amazed that I'm able to say that.

But I know the race will still be hard. The BB has hills, and lots of fast runners around me ...with ripped calves and smooth gaits. I will have race-day jitters and feel that wonderful feeling of accomplishment at the end. And I will get teary. I always get teary at the finish line. ALWAYS!

And here's the thing...I'm just not great at running. I love it. I need it. But I'm not great at it. I am slow. I am still a good 30 lbs overweight. I have bad knees. I turn an awkward red color about 10 seconds into a run.

But I do it.

I have gained strength (except in my knees). I have gained speed. I have gained confidence. I used to only be able to run 30 seconds without stopping. Now I can run two hours without stopping.

But I still have a love-hate relationship with running.

Its honestly a spiritual discipline for me as much as  a physical one.

Running is where I hear God best. Yes, I blast my iPod in my ears. But many times I play the same Kim Walker song 5 times in a row. Although I have heard God speak during Regulators too. Ha! it doesn't always happen...but there is a good chance. The first mile always consists of me finding my pattern and trying not to think about how much I hate running or that my knees are already a little sore. By mile 3 I have forgotten about that. I have cleared my head of the stresses that filled it. And I begin laying it out. Sometimes I have to count steps to keep from stopping...but once I'm in to the meat of the run I can just begin laying things out for God to keep. My fears, my inabilities, my gifts, my annoyances, my dreams. Being alone with my thoughts, doing something that is incredibly hard for me, well it does great things for my whole body and mind...not just my muffin top.

Its a link that I sometimes forget. But I know its there. I know I'm a happier person when I'm running. I know I'm adding years to my life. I know I'm more patient with my kids and husband. I know it increases my sex-drive. I know it makes me smile more.  I know its easier to have faith when I have these times to myself.

So I don't know how long this running gig will last. Its been almost three years now.

I doubt I will be a lifetime runner.  (unless I have some knee replacements along the way). At some point I will have to become a swimmer or a hula-hooper or something. Who knows?

But for today I am a runner. An awkward 12.5 minute miler , but a runner nonetheless.

And it is a gift. A reminder of  where my strength comes from. A reminder of the Power in me that allows me to do things I never thought I'd be able to do. And there are so many parallels between this discipline and others in my life. And its a hard lesson to learn. The need for disciplines. The need to do things that are hard and exhausting ...but in the end there is never a regret. And I must remember that I'm not in competition with the thousands of people running around me. Yes, it is a race. But not a competitive one FOR ME. I just want to finish without stopping and do the best I can. I want to give it my all. So I will cheer those on that run beside me and I will push myself to go faster when I feel myself giving in...not just when I get passed by the 45 year old with wash-board abs. Ha!  Running is such a mental game for me.  On the race-track and in life.

I'm excited! And I'm ready to get that teary feeling at the finishline.

Word!

You Capture : Lines

Five Minute Friday : Identity

Identity.
Funny how after 29 years of life...I am finally feeling most like myself. 
After 29 years...most days I am starting to feel comfortable in my own skin. 

 I am finally understanding just a glimpse of what it is like to find my identity in Christ. 


My identity does not belong to my past. My identity does not link me to statistics of what I should be. My identity is not what society says I should be. My identity is not my skills or how creative I am. My identity is not connected to how clean my home is, how many clients Sandra and I have booked, where I have traveled to, how much money I make,  how far and fast I can run, how many lbs I haven't lost, what vehicle I drive,  or if I get the final word in during a conversation  .... My identity is not in how many friends I have or who I know and who I don't. 


For most of my life I have found my identity in how I thought others viewed me. I have been held in bondage by my own mind. I have trapped myself into feeling lousy about myself by comparing myself to others and how great I thought they were. Bondage to the ideas that I am not worthy of being loved. 


Those are lies. And over the last several years I have slowly freed myself from those lies. 


I continue to claim this freedom daily. 


I continue to try and just listen to the voices I know to be true. 


I'm a wife. I'm a mom. I'm a friend. I'm a daughter. I'm a sister. I'm an advocate. I'm an instrument.  I have been given these roles and gifts. 


But I want my identity to be found in LOVE. Loving people. Loving myself. Loving my family. Loving God. Being a person of grace and compassion. And whatever comes my way in the day to day roles I have been given will be awesome ...and will be driven by the LOVE that I give and accept from those around me. That is where I want my identity to be found. 


Okay...five minutes are up. :)  Hope it makes some kind of sense. :)


Play along...give me your two cents on Identity! No editing...just write! :)

Crying in the hardware store.

I'm such a baby. Every once in a while the tears just turn on unexpectedly.

This morning it was at the hardware store. My mind flooded with memories and my lip started quivering. 

Over a porch swing. 

Those big comfy cushioned ones that fit three people across. 

We used to have one and I hadn't thought about it in years. We inherited it from a good friend. We loved that thing. 

They had one in the garden center. The boys and I all sat on it, enjoying our free popcorn and laughing at all the garden gnomes. Sim jumped down to investigate some beautifully overpriced firepits. And Eli snuggled right up under my arm with the weight of his head against me. 

Immediate flashback of moments I never want to forget. 

In our early days of parenting. We had one fussy baby that we couldn't calm down. Frustration was high one night as he was crying and neither of us could calm him down. 

I wrapped him up and headed outside. Mostly hoping the fresh air would give me a more patient mind. Sat on that porch swing. The cushions were all torn up because this particular apartment had some crazy ravenous squirrels that ate most of the stuffing. Laid little Eli on my chest and about two swings later he was completely out! That swing was a miracle worker! 

And so it became a regular event. Baby would get fussy and I would head out there to swing with him. Usually at night when the stars were bright. I remember sometimes I fully enjoyed those times. Soaking it in and dozing off  as we each breathed against one another. I know other times...I was frustrated and just praying he would just sleep so I could have a break. Funny how perspective changes. I can't imagine getting so stressed out over a fussy infant now. 

And so those are the memories that flooded me today in Ace Hardware. 

I told Eli about this as we sat their swinging. He said..."just like this, except now I'm not a baby. We should buy this mom." Haha! That made me laugh, luckily. Before the full blown ugly cry started. 

How badly would I love to have one of those nights back. To smell his sweet baby smell and have him melt against me on that porch swing at our apartment on Person St.

(not a great photo of me...but here we are on that old swing. May2008)

Of course, I don't get a night back. So I blog about it...so I remember in 20 and 50 years from now. That my sweet Eli and I had very special moments on an old mangled porch swing under the stars. Where I learned to be patient. Where I fell more in love with him and being a mama. 

So today I come home...ignore the lunchtime dishes to read some stories to Simeon. Lay with each of them for a few minutes before naptime. Look at them and try to take them in as much as I can. Because one day...these moments, with my sweet 4 and 2 year old, will be the ones I miss. 

Took this photo yesterday! Can't believe how big they both look! Unbelievable!

Have you had moments like this? That jog your memory and remind you to not stress so much...and just enjoy the ride!  Share your moments that served as little reminders.

LTYM

It is always worth it

We spent this last weekend away from the boys.  They had a 2 night sleepover with Grandma and Grandpa.  They are 4 and 2 and I still cried as we drove away. It felt unnatural to drive away knowing I wouldn't be rubbing their sweet little heads at bedtime or cooking their breakfast in the morning. When I drive away is when the irrational fears kick in...that terrible things are going to happen or that my mother in law won't know what to do if they get a hang nail. Come on...she has way more experience at being a mother than I do!! Luckily we only had to drive a mile or so to pick up our friends, so the crazy thoughts didn't last long.

The boys were excited to go and I think everything went smoothly. They sounded happy every time I talked to them. 

I figured I would cry at night after I got off the phone with them. But I didn't. I really enjoyed the time away. And part of me feels bad saying that. 

I missed them. But I fully enjoyed the time.

I relaxed. I laughed. I exercised when I wanted to. I ate when I wanted to.

I played with my camera without interruptions!

I only worried about my OWN bathroom needs. 

I only cut my own food.

I laughed ALOT...at grown up stuff!

We stayed up late.

I still couldn't really sleep in...but I could be leisurely as I woke up. 

It was really fun! 

I always question leaving them! I always consider backing out.  The two little boys that are so a part of me and are the two things that I am most passionate about in life are so hard to leave in the care of someone else...even when you know they will be safe and loved and totally spoiled. Its still HARD for me.

But on this side of it, it is always worth it. 

And picking them up is SO GREAT. With surprises in hand...those hugs and kisses feel so good. SO GOOD! 

And today (although very tired and missing my ability to go to Starbucks on a whim) ...it felt great to be back in our regular routine. To hug little bodies good morning. To brush three sets of teeth and feed three mouths at breakfast. To follow up breakfast with a familiar game of Memory  and reading a Biscuit book for the 400th time. :) To cook dinner and eat with my family. It makes me realize just how much I love my life and am thankful for all the little things that really add up to an amazing life. Sounds cheesy...but its true and my heart is feeling a little cheesy right now with my love for my family. So...I'm going with it!

Going away is fun. COMING HOME IS AWESOME. 

And the memories made are well worth it. The memories of a weekend away with Matt and incredible friends...and the memories our boys made with their grandparents are special to their story. And the memories of coming home. I think it makes us all more thankful and loving toward one another. 

So what I pass on to you...to Future Shelly reading her past blog posts ...and to my few and faithful readers. When possible, a weekend away with friends and your man is always worth it!  The boys love being spoiled by their grandparents...and the getaway will be refreshing to your soul!

Do you agree? Tell me your experience with this! :)

Happy Monday and Peace out!

linking this Instagram photo up to You Capture--Simplicity. 

I'm still learning.

So...I know I'm going on almost 5 years of being a mama. I should have day-to-day things down pat...but this morning I had an epiphany.

I don't know about you...but my kids like to be with me ALL THE TIME. :) I love it and I'm not trying to complain. (although solo bathroom trips would be nice)  But it makes for some challenges when it comes to maintaining a home that is being destructed by a 2 and 4 year old close to 12 hours a day. Some things I have down...like mopping the floor. They do it with me and everyone is happy. Cleaning their rooms...they just take out whatever I'm not cleaning up, ruining all efficiency. Vacuuming...they huddle on the couch and watch me like a hawk because they are afraid (or something).

But the chore that is the most difficult is laundry. I can get it washed and dried. But folding it is another story. Usually it sits on our bed until bedtime and I fold it when I'm half asleep but am forced to because it is occupying my sleep-space. (kudos to Matt...he always helps! Thanks!) I've wanted to get better at this. I usually set the boys up with something to do...but I always get called out of my bedroom to look at a funny picture, or help fix a fallen Lego tower, etc. And it just takes forever and I end up just leaving it because I can't say no to sweet brown eyes looking at me saying "mama, I really want you to play with me." I choose to play with them. Which I think is always the right choice. But then I am annoyed at myself that night when Matt and I's limited time for the day is taken up folding laundry.

So this morning the boys were playing independently in Sim's room. I took my opportunity to fold the four loads of laundry that I did yesterday. They kept calling me in there. I was annoyed. I just wanted to get the laundry done! Then Eli said..."Mama, Can we bring our cars into your room." My goodness...YES! Why have I never thought of this! They were thrilled and Eli in his grown-up voice says..."Wasn't that a good idea, Mom. To bring our cars in here to play so you can fold clothes and we can still be with you."

Yes, son. You're a genius and I love you more than I can ever tell you!

 They pushed their big bucket of cars into my room. The three of us chatted. I folded and hung up all the clothes. They played.  Sim ended up "helping" me from time to time and then going back to play cars. I ended up cleaning out all my drawers too because they were so content. Then sitting and playing with them afterwards.

They just wanted to be with me. They just needed to be close.

And I love that! They didn't care if I did some of the grown-up chores I have to do from time to time. They just wanted to be with me. To talk and see me.

Almost 5 years in and I'm still learning so much about their little hearts and how to love them. How to show them I love them. How to show them how much God loves them.

And this interaction has caused me to reflect on God and my relationship with Him throughout the hours of today. How I need to yearn to be close to him in my day-to-day activities....  He is always there and I know the moment I ask him to be near, to stay close, to talk to me...HE WILL BE THERE. He already is here. And like my boys love me...God's affection toward me is so much greater. He also wants me to chat with him...while I'm scrubbing my toilet, or going to storytime, or   meeting  a friend for coffee. He wants me to acknowledge Him and include him.

Being a mom is a journey. Following Christ is a journey. I'm still learning!
________________________________________________________

On another practical note...it reminded me of the fact that all toys take on new meaning and fun when placed in a new location. :) Sometimes I forget! :) Ha!

Plants in our window sill.

I planted seeds with the boys a few weeks ago, on the first day of spring. Even though I knew it would snow a few more times still. Keeping us from getting dirty in our garden.

We also got a fish. So the boys have been spending a lot of time at our window sill.

I love the excitement that comes from watching the little sprouts pop up and grow noticeably taller every day. It is exciting for the kids and ME. Hope for spring. I can't wait to get our garden in the ground...even though its a good 6 or 7 weeks out still.

This time of year always energizes me. To wait and watch and anticipate what will come down my path each day. I'm trying to spring some fresh life into my own heart and mind and practices. Relax and enjoy...and make good decisions. Decisions that I feel good about when I lay my head down at night. Good decisions with my parenting, my spouse-ing, my eating, my moving, my thinking, my acting, my serving, my listening, my loving.

Lamentations 3:24-26

²⁴ “The LORD is my portion,” says my soul,

“Therefore I have hope in Him.”

²⁵ The LORD is good to those who wait for Him,

To the ^[a]person who seeks Him.

²⁶ It is good that he waits silently

For the salvation of the LORD.